“November Meeting” It had been almost a month since I last saw her. Things didn’t end well. I’m not sure why I suggested we get together but I did. “Why don’t we go grab a coffee or something? Maybe catch up?’ I think the reason I really wanted to meet up was to show her I was fine. I wanted her to see that I was done being sad. That I was over her and that I had moved on. All that completely changed when she walked in. We started with the basic small talk. “How have you been?” “Fine. You?” “I’ve been alright” We said these things but our eyes told a different story. We both could see through each other’s lies. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves. That’s what happens when you make someone your entire world for the better part of five years. As much as both of us hated to admit it, we weren’t fine. We weren’t doing alright. In fact, it was the complete opposite. We had both been miserable. We were miserable but we couldn’t let the other know. I missed her and she missed me but we couldn’t tell each other. We spent about thirty minutes avoiding the elephant in the room. We spoke about the weather, movies we had seen, what we had been up to since we last saw each other. We spoke about everything and nothing. We danced around the subject us. Both of us too afraid to even mention the subject. One of us broke the silence. I admit, I had some bitterness built up. I took some cheap shots. I’m not proud of it but I didn’t care at the time. I wanted to hurt her and I did. I didn’t feel bad until she started gathering her things. “I’m going to leave. . . “ She gathered her things in a frenzy and quickly made her way to the door. I could see her eyes welling up with tears. She was too proud to cry in front of me. I sat there. I thought about what I had said and was immediately embarrassed. It wasn’t my place to say those things. It wasn’t fair for me to go that far. I chased after her. I wanted to apologize. She had made it to her car but had not driven away. She just sat in the drivers seat with tears rolling down her eyes. “Go away! This was a mistake! I should have never come here!” She was right. We shouldn’t have met up. We shouldn’t have reconnected two days prior. We should have just forgotten about each other. Easier said then done. “I’m sorry. I said a lot of shitty things back there. I didn’t mean it. I just wanted you to feel how you made me feel.” She looked at me with tears in her eyes. My heart shattered. She knew she had hurt me. She knew what she had done had completely ruined me. She knew all those things and it killed her. “Whatever you’re feeling, I’m feeling it ten times worse, *******!” She put her head in her hands and began to weep. I put my arms around her and hugged her. We held each other tight. When I went to break the embrace she held on. I looked into her eyes. She looked into mine. At that moment, we both knew. We both knew that what we had was good. We both knew that the break-up took an equal toll on both of us. We were miserable without each other. I leaned in and kissed her. She was reluctant but went with it. The kiss was long and passionate. That kiss said more than any of words ever could. We spent the rest of the evening together. We talked. We laughed. We did everything we used to. That evening we were transported to a time before the break-up. A time before all the problems. A time when we didn’t doubt our feelings for each other. A time when we cared for each other. That evening we were in love. We talked about the subject we had avoided at the coffee shop. We made plans for the future. We set dates. We were going to get back together but it was going to take some time. Part of us knew what we were doing was a bad idea but we didn’t care. We were completely in the moment. When it came time for me to go, I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay in that moment forever. She walked me downstairs. I waived her parents goodbye. “Hopefully, you’ll see more of me around here.” I pet her dog and cats. She walked me to my car. We kissed. I held her tight. When she tried to break away, I pulled her in closer. “Don’t give up on me, *******.” “I never have. I thought I did but I guess I was wrong.” I kissed her on the forehead and drove away. I drove home intoxicated on the promise the future held. Part of me knew there was a possibility that feelings would change in the morning but I didn’t care. I completely threw myself into the idea of “*******and ******”. A few weeks later, she changed her mind. She wasn’t sure about us anymore. She wanted to keep her options open. She didn’t see me in her future anymore. She wasn’t in love with me. She wanted me out of her life. I wasn’t surprised by any of this. That doesn’t mean it hurt any less. In hindsight, I should have kept up those walls. I should have taken everything she said with a grain of salt. I should have kept everything to myself. I shouldn’t have let my guard down. I shouldn’t have told her I still loved her. I should have just let her go. I should have done all of those things but I’m glad I didn’t. That evening gave me something I had not experienced in quite sometime: happiness. In a storm of depression and negativity the time we spent together was a beacon of light. I just wish it would have worked out this time.
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