Gladys, New Doctor Clothes, and a Near Arrest
by
Brandon Dues
Burned down the bridge and pissed on the ashes.
I know, I know, that sounds a little bit drastic
I have a propensity for anything dramatic
And on occasion , I get a little spastic
The other day I inadvertently held up traffic
Running down the cross walk in nothing but plastic
This old woman rolled her window down and I asked for some chap stick
The cops came a drew guns that I assume were automatic
“Someone shoot this guy! I think he’s an addict”
I gazed into their eyes and they were hungry for some action
For then on the situation could be described as problematic
I reached for my phone then remembered I left it in the attic
Also, if you recall, I was dressed in cling wrap that was anti-static
I tried to apologize and sound very enthusiastic
“Don’t listen to him! He may be one of those religious fanatics!”
This side of town wasn’t exactly diplomatic
The sight of me naked was probably emblematic
A symbol of everything they saw as “undemocratic”
One of the officers shot and I froze like I saw something graphic
When I caught my bearings, my reaction was almost systematic
I ran and dodged bullets as if I were Mel Gibson in Maverick
Or maybe I’m getting it confused with that classic from Terrence Mallick
I know what your thinking, this story sounds a bit fantastic
But you‘ve got to believe me, the whole scene was inexplicably cinematic
I ducked into an office and met a doctor’s whose oath was Hippocratic
We discussed the weather and his late son who was an asthmatic
I then asked him of a pain I thought was pancreatic
“I can not help you my friend. I’m afraid my discipline is strictly lymphatic”
I bid him adieu and wished him luck on his practice.
“Thank you and please take those clothes next to that beautiful cactus.”
“Gratis?”
“Of course! You couldn’t pay me given your current status”
I walked out and ran into a beautiful woman named Gladys.
I could tell she trained daily on an aerobic apparatus
I told her that my day was nothing short of hapless
Then tried to impress her with my knowledge of a crystal lattice
The expression on her face told me she wasn’t having it
“Sorry. I have a boyfriend that looks like a young Brad Pitt”
“We should keep in touch just in case he turns out to be a prick”
When you meet a gorgeous woman, you take every chance you get
She rolled her eyes but I sensed she was charmed by my wit
She wrote my phone number on the back of an old parking permit.
“If I don’t call you by next week, just wait a little bit.”
I may be wrong but I think our personalities clicked.
Although it was a red flag that she probably couldn’t commit
When I crossed the street there were officers along the strip
I felt pretty bad about earlier and decided to submit
To my surprise, they didn’t throw a fit.
“All we wanted to do was serve you with this judicial writ”
“That guy in the crowd made you officers seem malevolent”
“Anything you heard regard as irrelevant. He was an addict and there was liquor on his scent”
“I had a feeling there was something odd about his slurred accent.”
They explained I had a court date and that I needed to be present
“Honestly, you’ll be fine just as long as you repent”
The group of officers left and apologized for any misstatements.
I waived goodbye and trekked back to my studio apartment.
On my way I reflected on the days events
I’m not one to be such a rebelious malcontent
My criminal record consists one count of writing on wet cement
I made it home and I admit I was utterly spent
I didn’t even confirm my reservations for my camping trip
I made it to my room with my pants completely unzipped
I was startled by the phone, it nearly made it slip
“Hi. It’s Gladys. We met today off of the strip.”
I was so surprised and felt my heart nearly skip
“What happened to young Pitt? Did give you too much lip?”
“No. Worse. He turned out to be kind of a wimp”
“We should go see a movie at that new place with the chips”
“The one next to that old abandoned merchant ship”
“That’s the one and afterwards we could skinny dip.”
She agreed to the date but I had wear something nicely knit
“I hate when a man looks illegitimate”
We talked for about an hour and laughed about how me met
“I hate to cut this short but I have an appointment in the morning that can’t be reset.”
“That’s completely understandable. We’ll have more fun when our time isn’t so pressed.”
After the phone call, I was eager for some rest.
I sat in my bed with the day to assess.
Gladys, new doctor clothes, and a near arrest.
You would have to be insane to be unimpressed
This fantastically strange day was certainly one of the best.
I know, I know, that sounds a little bit drastic
I have a propensity for anything dramatic
And on occasion , I get a little spastic
The other day I inadvertently held up traffic
Running down the cross walk in nothing but plastic
This old woman rolled her window down and I asked for some chap stick
The cops came a drew guns that I assume were automatic
“Someone shoot this guy! I think he’s an addict”
I gazed into their eyes and they were hungry for some action
For then on the situation could be described as problematic
I reached for my phone then remembered I left it in the attic
Also, if you recall, I was dressed in cling wrap that was anti-static
I tried to apologize and sound very enthusiastic
“Don’t listen to him! He may be one of those religious fanatics!”
This side of town wasn’t exactly diplomatic
The sight of me naked was probably emblematic
A symbol of everything they saw as “undemocratic”
One of the officers shot and I froze like I saw something graphic
When I caught my bearings, my reaction was almost systematic
I ran and dodged bullets as if I were Mel Gibson in Maverick
Or maybe I’m getting it confused with that classic from Terrence Mallick
I know what your thinking, this story sounds a bit fantastic
But you‘ve got to believe me, the whole scene was inexplicably cinematic
I ducked into an office and met a doctor’s whose oath was Hippocratic
We discussed the weather and his late son who was an asthmatic
I then asked him of a pain I thought was pancreatic
“I can not help you my friend. I’m afraid my discipline is strictly lymphatic”
I bid him adieu and wished him luck on his practice.
“Thank you and please take those clothes next to that beautiful cactus.”
“Gratis?”
“Of course! You couldn’t pay me given your current status”
I walked out and ran into a beautiful woman named Gladys.
I could tell she trained daily on an aerobic apparatus
I told her that my day was nothing short of hapless
Then tried to impress her with my knowledge of a crystal lattice
The expression on her face told me she wasn’t having it
“Sorry. I have a boyfriend that looks like a young Brad Pitt”
“We should keep in touch just in case he turns out to be a prick”
When you meet a gorgeous woman, you take every chance you get
She rolled her eyes but I sensed she was charmed by my wit
She wrote my phone number on the back of an old parking permit.
“If I don’t call you by next week, just wait a little bit.”
I may be wrong but I think our personalities clicked.
Although it was a red flag that she probably couldn’t commit
When I crossed the street there were officers along the strip
I felt pretty bad about earlier and decided to submit
To my surprise, they didn’t throw a fit.
“All we wanted to do was serve you with this judicial writ”
“That guy in the crowd made you officers seem malevolent”
“Anything you heard regard as irrelevant. He was an addict and there was liquor on his scent”
“I had a feeling there was something odd about his slurred accent.”
They explained I had a court date and that I needed to be present
“Honestly, you’ll be fine just as long as you repent”
The group of officers left and apologized for any misstatements.
I waived goodbye and trekked back to my studio apartment.
On my way I reflected on the days events
I’m not one to be such a rebelious malcontent
My criminal record consists one count of writing on wet cement
I made it home and I admit I was utterly spent
I didn’t even confirm my reservations for my camping trip
I made it to my room with my pants completely unzipped
I was startled by the phone, it nearly made it slip
“Hi. It’s Gladys. We met today off of the strip.”
I was so surprised and felt my heart nearly skip
“What happened to young Pitt? Did give you too much lip?”
“No. Worse. He turned out to be kind of a wimp”
“We should go see a movie at that new place with the chips”
“The one next to that old abandoned merchant ship”
“That’s the one and afterwards we could skinny dip.”
She agreed to the date but I had wear something nicely knit
“I hate when a man looks illegitimate”
We talked for about an hour and laughed about how me met
“I hate to cut this short but I have an appointment in the morning that can’t be reset.”
“That’s completely understandable. We’ll have more fun when our time isn’t so pressed.”
After the phone call, I was eager for some rest.
I sat in my bed with the day to assess.
Gladys, new doctor clothes, and a near arrest.
You would have to be insane to be unimpressed
This fantastically strange day was certainly one of the best.
END
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